The TV Producer

A presenter friend went to a casting the other day held by a female executive producer from a new production company. The gig was to present some crappy, cheap little show for Living TV that also involved a no-mark reality star.

On their own in her office at 7pm (that was the only time she could do) and after about 10 minutes of witty banter, she then fixed him a steely stare and asked “Do you have a big cock?”

Slightly thrown by the change of tack, my presenter friend embarrassingly shrugged and said “I suppose so, never really thought about it.”

“Well get it out, now!” she demanded. Now my friend is not known for being shy when it comes to using his good looks to get jobs but he’s in love at the moment, so this was a no no. It also didn’t help that she was “as big as a whale with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp”

After explaining his position, she flipped, threw him out and uttered the immortal words “you’ve made a big mistake. You’re a talentless fuckwit and you’ll never work for me” As you can imagine, my mate was gutted.

We’ve all done it.

They were talking about Jeremy Kyle on ‘You Have Been Watching’ on C4. When I worked on an ITV daytime chatshow, we had the Kyleman on to talk about his ‘life-changing’ journey to Africa with the programme (also on ITV) in which highlighted the plight of poor kids. Before his self-congratulatory back-slapping appearance, he was talking in the green room. He said that the only reason they went out there because it was the end of the series and was a bloody good jolly for everyone. All heart eh.

A researcher who is working for me at the moment, says that it only takes one drink for him to start talking about how horrible his guests are and the stupidity they show in actually coming on the programme - something we’ve all known for quite a while Jezzer.

I’ve been involved in a few of these programmes and have faked it.

New series of Top Gear with presenters that have become caricatures of themselves. Hamster looking and sounding like some local radio Dj from the eighties. That complete poseur with affected Englishman image who is one very lucky man to have the job he does.

Then, the ringmaster, Clarkson. I met both Jeremy Clarkson and Gordon ‘Foul Mouth’ Ramsay one night at a charity event. One was charming, funny and great company and the other was a rude arrogant tosser. Clarkson was the latter. 

The Stig was unveiled as Schumacher. While this may be true for this new series I can tell you that in all the past series there were in fact numerous stigs who would be used in different situations.

Yesterday I had lunch at the Ivy Club with a senior channel exec. He’s…. 

Well Jordan and Peter are getting divorced. If you watched any of this :

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article2424864.ece , it will not surprise you that their fairytale marriage is over. It must have seemed like such a good idea when they got out of the jungle for this publicity-hungry pair (no not her breasts) to fall so deeply in love and want to spend the rest of their lives in the public gaze.

Their TV series mercilessly followed them everywhere and when that sort of intrusion becomes natural, then everything you do becomes unnatural. It would have been a joy to actually produce this show because although I’d have had to deal with them (her) all their genuine feelings and emotions are grossly exaggerated for the cameras. This makes for great TV - my job.

Another producer I know had them on his chatshow, he said Peter was actually very nice, a little thick and completely deluded as to his talent and she was calculating and rude. There was no doubt who wore the trousers. Jordan has the ability to milk the proverbial cash cow for everything she can and this episode will be no different. Although I never ever begrudge anyone making money, good luck to them if stupid people want to buy into ‘the dream’, if I hear ‘it’s so sad’ from another person today, I will have to punch them – or even worse submit them to one of the Andre’s thumping tracks.

To use an old cliché, I do feel sorry for the kids but don’t be too surprised if in a month’s time they announce a joyous reconciliation, of course in front of the cameras.

Look at this shower of shites and tell me you don’t want to shout at the screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tkEplx0DF8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KA2Tg4D2bE

Tim Lovejoy. Someone who worked on Soccer AM told me he would refer to himself in the third person. The production team had to put up with ‘Tim doesn’t do that’ or ‘Tim thinks this is the way it should be done’. Really believing his own press.

He was actually quite good on Soccer AM because that relaxed ‘oh shit we’ve got a lot of time to fill’ attitude is the nature of the show. It works and I like Soccer AM but Tim’s smug touching-face ‘wow can I really be bothered’ style definitely doesn’t work on any other programme. If you need to punch something just watch him and Simon Rimmer talking about football while Simon teaches Tim to cook. I’m getting angry just writing this.

Speaking of Simon Rimmer, unfortunate surname and makes every single dish he cooks look as though he’s just picked it out of the bin.

Amanda Hamilton, why do all nutritionalists look as though they need to take their own advice? 

This piss poor Sunday tosh is still on because it’s in a slot where there is truly nothing else on so execs think that people like it when really they’re just hungover with no other choice. A good example of how to do this type of programme is Saturday Kitchen, even if James Martin can’t do links to save his life.

If you want something that sums up Something for the Weekend, it’s the ‘just for fun’ competition where they show a clip and ask us to guess when the programme it’s taken from was first shown on TV. I’m just off to have my teeth drilled.