The TV Producer

Things to irritate on GMTV (Get Moving Thickos)

-Scripts written for the criminally stupid – viewers and presenters.

-Roving reporters in some awful town reporting on things like dangerous river levels.

-The (to quote Ian Hyland) ‘surprisingly married’ Ben Shephard.

-Penny Smith’s Dallas outfits and crap ‘funnies’ at the end of her turn.

-Andrew ‘I’m the housewives favourite’ Castle whom I know to be a little more than in love with himself.

-Lorraine, so sweet she gives you that bile in the throat feeling. It’s actually quite a skill to interview guests that were on earlier in the morning and manage to fake interest. You still want to punch her though.

-The cheap set and graphics from the early seventies.

Overall - Anchorman meets Noddy

Peter “I’m free!” Andre says he’s in talks with Latoya for an MJ tribute. More self-publicising tosh that will no doubt evoke a reaction from the other idiot.

One day, even the most dumbass of their fans (aka single-cell organisms) will not trust a word either of them say. I will try my hardest never to write about them again.

The BBC can get it woefully wrong with sport – the British Open being a fine example. The constant droning on about ‘the greatest sporting achievement ever’ when talking about Tom Watson or what seems to be a pathological fear of using graphics or even giving us the leaderboard – there were a few shouts at the screen.

I would like to praise the BBC though for their F1 coverage. The thing they’ve got spot on with F1 is they actually explain what can be very complex rules, technical specifications and strategies. They don’t treat you like a petrol head nerd and I’ve found it compelling.

Jake Humphrey is a very likeable guy who knows his stuff, makes it look easy (which it’s not) and knows that he’s got one of the best jobs in the world. Check out his blog

A far cry from someone like Steve Jones, the smug bastard who thinks we’re the lucky ones to be watching him. He’s supposed to be a complete nightmare to work with.

The only bit that gets on my tits is the ‘EJ / DC’ stuff which wears a bit thin – like EJ’s hair spiked as if he were a teenager binge drinker from Sunderland. A minor groan though.

I’ve had a rant about Top Gear before but after watching it last night, I can’t resist again.

Clarkson is moving out of Earth’s atmosphere in terms of believing his own press. He thinks his opinion really really matters and that everyone is on tenderhooks waiting for his next missive. Of course many viewers are but that doesn’t get away from the fact that he’s a tit of the highest order.  Teamed with Hamster, the local radio DJ and May, the affected poseur we have a smorgasborg of shites so smug, they’re drowning in it.

The supposed ‘challenges’ are fake enough now to totally stretch the bounds of credibility, a classic case of the producers treating the audience like children ‘They’ll never know’ 

The voice over as the celebs were about to be cast all alone onto the streets said with extreme gravitas. ‘As soon as they leave the van, they’re on their own for three nights’.  No they weren’t. There was a cameraman with them most of the time and at night, they even had the light on the top of the camera at full blast. There was a wonderful moment as James was ejected from the van. He walked past a hen do queuing to get into a club and they reacted in the way many pissed-up lasses on a hen-night do – leering and shouting at he camera and we just missed one of them flashing. Amazing the way James just slipped into the background – ‘all alone’. Nearly every moment of begging by the subjects was also done under the watchful eye of the camera. Hardly incognito.

Having dealt with them all, I can categorically tell you that there is no way any ‘celeb’, celeb’s agent, broadcaster or insurance company would allow these guys to do this without a very burly bloke with a few stories to tell   ready to pounce in a dangerous situation. Many a time I’ve worked with these guys protecting the talent and they all have had one thing in common. Despite being really very nice to me and the production team,  unless you had a fascination with going to hospital, you wouldn’t mess with them at all. I promise you that nearest Annabel actually cam to a knife in the frightening ‘knife incident’ was as they would have her whisked out of there in flash

A great deal of what his programme told the viewer was is in fact untrue. If you’ve read some of my posts, you would know that I don’t think there is anything wrong in this. Producers have to do things to make sure a programme is actually watchable and they are in fact things the viewer doesn’t need to know about as long as they like the programme.

Davina McCall is getting another chat show, this time a daytime one on either FIVE or SKY. She says she doesn’t want to do This Morning because as a presenter on TM, ‘you are produced’ and she wants more control than that.

Does this woman have any idea about how little talent she has and how much she needs to be produced? On Big Brother she spends the whole time auditioning for the National Gurning Championships. A monkey could present that show just as well and the viewer numbers would be the same, it’s not her they’re tuning in to see.  I’d rather have my eyes gouged out with a hot poker than watch one of her excruciatingly bad interviews. The viewers agreed with me last time she attempted a chat show, disappearing quicker than a train load of passengers after a Mexican wearing a mask sneezes.

She wants to be like Oprah and she feels more at home interviewing ‘real’ people rather than celebs. A perfect example of when the talent starts to believe their own press because I know five year olds who have a better interview technique than her. Celebs or Joe public – the result will be the same – car-crash TV.

I pity any of the production staff working on that show with her. I’ve worked with many presenters who took ‘control’ of the production of programmes. It wasn’t nice and ended in tears nearly every time because they become so full of shit and their self-importance grows to nuclear levels.

I really hope this story is just to get publicity so her new agents (the people who look after Ant & Dec) can justify their fees.

This is not a normal post (about TV) but I’ve been compelled to comment.

Whilst it is of course a tragedy that people have suffered and died (our thoughts and prayers are with their families and loved ones) Swine Flu is not the killer everyone is panicking about.

Did you know that in the U.S. alone, about 36,000 people die every year from your common or garden flu. That’s 36,000. The WHO (not the band) finally have something to do and that’s put the fear of God into people.  At least it takes our minds of the recession.

Most countries are equipped with enough anti-virals and flu vaccines to be able to deal with this. Yes the virus has mutated to one that’s not a normal influenza virus but we should still be able to deal with it, even if there is a pandemic. Our first cases here in the UK, a couple who had been to Mexico    on their honeymoon, have been released from hospital after only a few days treatment. Says something doesn’t it? I feel sorry for them because their social life is screwed, who the hell will want to meet up with them for a drink at the moment. They won’t even be able to stay in and have a takeaway because no one will even deliver to their door.

By the way, if you are wearing a surgical mask to protect yourself then I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree. Those masks are solely designed to stop the wearer (usually a surgeon hence the name) passing on any infection to their patients. As any immunologist will tell you, only very expensive respirators will actually stop you being infected by this virus and even then it’s not guaranteed.

So please, if someone sneezes on the subway or coughs on a plane, do not look at them as if they’re a leper or the spreader of a biological weapon, they may just have a cold or an itchy throat.